Weblog

Monday, 27 April 2009

  • First Jr. STF, then Church, now WAIT...

    I have been told that I am "not to have any contact with WAIT members in Kansas and to have nothing to do with a WAIT website". I have to disagree on legal, moral, and ethical grounds, and by Constitutional right.

    I am stating this in the public realm that I will have no further e-mail contact with church or program leaders who do not come to the table on neutral grounds without preconceptions and who are not willing to follow their own principles and teachings.

    You know how to contact me by phone when your heart is in the right place and you have achieved a God-centered position. Then, only then, can you make the right decision; as you have proven that you are incapable of making at this time.

    I am tired of those who keep insisting that I require counseling or a period of "therapeutic healing". It's nonsense, I have no "problem", and it's a complete slap in the face to In Jin Nim's words of "the Ideal is I deal with it". You have chosen not to deal with it but to reject it and push it away to a point where it is no longer an issue (or so you feel). I have been told that certain people have made the decisions they have made in regards to me because they love me and they have my best interests at heart. That is the biggest load of crap I have ever heard. One does not cut someone off from a "atmosphere of spiritual growth and teaching" as you have called it "out of love", one does not refuse to listen to a "brother" or a "son" as I have been described within the church structure, and one does not deny someone the ability to work with Youth inside or outside the church based only on "paranoia" and "assumption" without substantial evidence. Sure, it is the right of the parent, but is it "right"? You want to change the world, but you are instead, becoming the world.

    I pray for all you Youth who may read this that you may learn something from this so that when you one day stand in a position of leadership you will not make the same mistake. Do not doubt the programs you are involved in, but be willing to challenge them in the proper manner when they do not align with what you feel in your heart is the God-centered direction. Nobody is perfect, not even me, not even church leaders.

    Once again, I am stating this in the public realm that I will have no further e-mail contact with church or program leaders who do not come to the table on neutral grounds without preconceptions and who are not willing to follow their own principles and teachings. You know how to contact me by phone.

    To all you Youth - I hope the rest of your school year goes by well, I miss a lot of you and will likely visit some of you this summer.

    Danny, Gabriel, and other Gabriel I hope you guys are doing well, it's not likely that you will read this, but I am here if you need something.

    Mikito, I hope your recent games have been a success. I have seen you improve a lot in the past few weeks and I will have to make sure I find somewhere to practice and keep up with you! ^_^ I miss you a ton bro, and I'll always be here for you.

    Peace out Yall,

    James

Friday, 24 April 2009

  • I don't really know what to call this...

    I'm going to be honest with you. I could quite possibly be homicidal and suicidal. Things have gone completely to craps in the past few weeks, and I have a lot of pain and anger pent up because of it. BUT, I'm NOT homicidal or suicidal, and I will do what I always do and channel my pain and suffering into love towards my brothers and sisters. I may have to store it up for a while, but I will not give up on them, no matter what; to the end of the world, I will go, and then further.

    This may come as a complete surprise to some of you; so, let me explain. I am no longer in contact with the Kansas church or the host family; and for those of you familiar with my situation, I haven't seen (and by seen, I mean talked to or spent time with) Mikito for nearly 5 weeks. None of this is by my choice, and it isn't right; but, this is how it is. My heart is pretty torn and tattered right now, my mind is dulled and unmotivated, I haven't been able to get any amount of rest, I can hardly eat, and my body aches. It's pretty unbearable. Part of me just wishes I could roll over and fall asleep and wake up and find this all to be a really bad dream or not wake up at all. Once again, I'm not suicidal, just dealing with so much stuff that I really don't want to deal with and missing people so much it's tearing me up.

    I want to find a resolution to this problem that is beneficial to both parties. Parents here in Kansas consider me a threat to the kids and feel that I may do something inappropriate with them; I have even been labeled as something unmentionable. It hurts, a lot; it's understandable, but unfounded and untrue. These kids mean the world to me and I'd be an idiot to cause them to fear me or hate me of my own accord. Sure, there are ancestral struggles that I must deal with; some of you know more about those than others, and I am likely paying some sort of indemnity. But this just sucks beyond words.

    I wonder how it can be taught that we must "graft ourselves on to the True Lineage" but yet one can be rejected by those who teach it and essentially "ripped from the True lineage"; or at least the support system thereof. I lay no blame here, but just want to point out a principled basis. The "Ideal", in In Jin Nim's explanation is "I deal with it"; not "I send it away". I understand that parents feel the need to protect their children, but there is a difference between "protecting" them and being "paranoid". I have expressed for a very long time how much I love my brothers and how it's just not possible for me to do anything to them. PERIOD

    I don't know how else to explain it or express it - I wish there was a way I could say it where those who are worried would just realize "Hey, I understand now. There is nothing to worry about." - but it's not likely to happen. Sorry, for droning on - life sucks right now.

    I hope all of you kids are doing ok out there. If you need something, I'm still here to help - don't worry about "putting more on my plate" - that's not an issue.

    Mikito, I will continue to mention you in my posts; not to bother you, but because I still owe so much to you. I hope all is going well and I apologize for not being able to help you out as usual.

    --James

Friday, 06 March 2009

  • Banned from Jr. STF...

    As much as I like my last post, I really felt that this ought to be posted up. This is a conversation from a sister here in Kansas regarding my recent banning from Jr. STF-related events here in Kansas. So, here it is:

    This is from a Facebook chat (the 664560197 person is me, the other one is this sister):
    (10:33:10 PM) 664560197 u available?
    (10:33:37 PM) 1193070037 yup
    (10:33:51 PM) 664560197 i want to say one thing - then thats it, and im gonna go back to my movie
    (10:34:08 PM) 1193070037 k
    (10:34:24 PM) 664560197 tonight - i got a call from Peeter explaining that he was rather upset that I was at Jr. STF this weekend
    (10:34:31 PM) 664560197 I talked to Rebecca beforehand
    (10:34:36 PM) 664560197 because Mieko told me too
    (10:34:45 PM) 664560197 and she invited me to the service project and the rally
    (10:34:57 PM) 664560197 and ended up having me stay for the entire thing
    (10:35:25 PM) 664560197 i dont really see what everyones problem is with me being at Jr. STF - in LA and NY, and DC, they loved having me be a part of the program
    (10:35:37 PM) 664560197 thats it
    (10:35:50 PM) 664560197 if you have something to say about it - please reply, ill read it later
    (10:35:52 PM) 664560197 thank you
    (10:35:53 PM) 664560197 gbye
    (10:36:05 PM) 1193070037 k

    ----

    Here is her Facebook message reply:

    Sarah Karnowski
    Today at 9:16am

    okay.
    I understand that you are confused and are wondering why?
    Just hear me out, okay?

    Well, to tell you truth is that I know that you have a lot of care for the young boys and you want to be a leader for the Jr. STF.

    I really appreciate all the help that we need for the tech stuff, helping with WAIT, websites, youth group, and Hoon Doc Family Church.

    The thing is that your spirituality is still young and so is theirs. So, you need to still develop your spirituality.
    With your spirituality being the same level at the younger boys' then we can't be a leader, because you don't have the knowledge to be the leader that the brothers need.

    Rebecca, Sarah, Sebastian, Clareen, Chris and other older 2nd gen. have the knowledge, because we have completed a training.

    You haven't completed the training. If you can complete the training fully with all your heart and soul and following the schedules. These training aren't suppose to be to all your likes, you have to sacrifices a lot to have that knowledge that you
    need.

    Of course you can always go back and finish that training and then everything will be a different. You can be the leader. No more nagging on you to leave. If you finishing the training completely.

    Until you have that knowledge you aren't allowed to the Jr. STF meeting at all. Since you misused the privilege of staying longer than suppose to. You can't come at all.

    You can of course come to youth group, sunday service, Hoon Doc Family church, 5th sundays, ACLC, etc. any EXCEPT Jr. STF because of that lack of knowledge.

    With you asking Rebecca about staying you are putting her in uncomfortable position, again. She would love you for to stay, but you can't be at the Jr. STF meetings.

    I know it sounds really mean to do this to you, but you really really need to finish your training. Please go back to NLTP.

    ----

    This my reply, I will post up information as I get it regarding this:

    James Thompson
    Today at 12:26pm

    I'm sick and tired of this "James ,you failed your training, you didn't complete your training." The only people I get that is from Peeter and Mieko, Barbara, and now you. I was meant to come back from NLTP to work here in Kansas - you guys may think it was too early, but I had their blessing to come back. I wasn't kicked out, I wasn't "sent home" because I did something wrong. I was sent back to continue my mission.


    I'm also sick of all this restoration stuff your mom throws at me. I know there's a course I have to walk to overcome my struggles, but my restoration course is completely and utterly different than any of the first gen here in KS - and I have people across the nation that agree with me on that.

    I've gone to DC, NY, and LA, and always get mistaken for a 2nd Gen. Why? I'm told it's because my high spirit, my devotion to what I think is my purpose, and the way I fit in with the youth and how well I connect with them among other reasons - this is parents and other youth that mistake me for 2nd Gen. Evidently, if I am mistaken for 2nd Gen, there is something right about what I do and how I do it.

    Some of you want me to go off to "training" because "that's what Chris, Rebecca, Sebastian, Clareen, and you did". The thing is, everytime I leave, whether it was for the military, when I took my sabbatical from the church a couple years back, or when I went to NLTP; it caused certain people a lot of pain and made them feel like I'd left them hanging.

    This is something you may not completely understand as it has do to with how well I connect with the brothers. When you guys left for your "training", you had no real solid dependencies outside your family - I'm sure it was hard for you guys to leave the church people, but it wasn't extremely pressing for any of our Youth that you weren't here. When I head off somewhere, it's different, these guys in many ways expect me to be around, even Mikito, the little things mean a lot to them.

    You guys have a family life, a school life (friends outside the church), and a church life.

    All I have is the church life, being here for these kids and doing whatever I can do for them is my life. If you start nibbling away to my "life", you can see how it causes me a lot of pain. This pain isn't just my pain, it's the pain I feel for them as they have to deal with a situation that isn't their fault and in many ways probably confuses them.

    For example, me and Mikito; we used to be the best of buddies until parents started getting nervous and decided to intervene. Sure it caused me a lot of pain, but can you imagine what he had to deal with?!! He had no qualms about me, and of all people, Mikito is very aligned, and would know if there were something to be worried about when it comes to me. But anyhow, can you imagine the confusion he had to deal with, the pain it probably caused him to have a connection like that wrenched away from him for reasons he didn't understand, to have an older brother that actually showed him some attention and unconditional love "framed" as being "dangerous" or "problematic"?

    That's one reason I have such a devotion to him today - he dealt with it in an amazing way, and rarely showed any signs of pain and scars (sometimes, but not often). My brother Mikito is awesome; he inspires me to keep doing what I do, and has kept me in-line like no other. He knows I would go to the end of the world for him, and that's why we still have the close bond that we have, despite any of our disagreements. I may upset him now and then, do something he doesn't like; but he's honest with me, and tough on me to make the change, and then we're cool.

    You can think of him as an example to how I treat all the other brothers I have met; DC, NY, LA.....

    I put my status up last night as you can see, and I started getting feedback. Not from 1st Gen, but from 2nd Gen, saying "What?!", "Why?!". I had a good long chat with a couple of these 2nd Gen, one from NY (an older brother, my age), and one from LA (a younger brother). They wanted to know my story, and about why I had been banned. I told them and they still couldn't believe this had happened.

    This is the same in Kansas, when I'm gone, I have the feeling the 1st Gen. (and some of you older 2nd Gen) relax and say something like "Yes, James is gone, we don't have to deal with that situation anymore." If I don't show up at church, it's not the 1st Gen wondering where I'm at or why I didn't come and I never got a call from you older 2nd Gen either. It was the younger brothers, calling and saying "James, where you been?", it was the younger brothers asking while I was on NLTP "James, when you coming back?"

    Throughout this message I have not mentioned God once, on purpose. That way I can sum it all up here. God gave me the gift of understanding the Youth, the gift of connecting with the younger brothers on such a level, the gift of being absolutely devoted, and many other gifts He gave me. I don't try and use these gifts for my own gain, I use them for His sake with the Youth, and what happens?

    I get reprimanded for it, I'm told I'm too close to the brothers, "parents are nervous about this", "you're not young enough to attend this". Seriously, in an Ideal World would these things be coming up? If you guys really want to bring about an Ideal World, the first step is not to find reasons to "ostracize" a fellow member from a program just because you feel he doesn't belong. If I don't belong in this group (if God's gifts to me aren't good enough for this group), then who will be? You guys always talk about getting new members, but if you can't accept your new members that you have, how do you expect to accept new members who haven't even joined yet?

    Across the nation, the 2nd Gen consensus is that the church is getting stale, too many first gen are treating it like the church that they joined. It IS the church that they joined, but conditions have changed, the environment has changed, initiatives have changed. If the church is to survive and bring about what it believe it's supposed to bring about, it must become dynamic, appealing, less traditional, and above all, it must be honest!!! There is too much preaching and not enough acting. PERIOD

    This is why In Jin Nim and Hyung Jin Nim do what they do here in the US, they're trying to change the church, push it on a new path, a new future. I know people across the nation that have told me these things, they understand them, and they act upon them. Not here in Kansas, we are so disconnected and set in our own ways, we have a hard time changing and accepting something new. That's why this situation with me exists - people refuse to accept me for who I am because they are afraid if something that they are making up in their minds. Satan is brewing discontent within the church, this is evil spirits doing these things; I don't know how you guys can't see this.

    Look at Kalev's situation, he is a prime example of someone who got fed up with the church because it was stale, it didn't apeeal to him or his peers. I'm all for helping him get through his situation, but my first priority is to make sure that the younger brothers don't go through what he did, that they feel like they have someone there to support them when their family or church may not.

    These guys don't talk real open to you for a reason, because all-in-all, even if you say that you do care, they really get the feeling that you don't. That's one reason why they talk to me, because they know I do care, and that I will do my best to help. On the other end of the scale, you guys want them to behave and learn something - I do to, but the problem there is that I agree with them that things are too boring, not dynamic and appealing, not relevant enough to their individual situation.

    I myself feel I don't have any substantial support a lot of the time, which really upsets me, but as long as I can support them, I do alright and don't worry about it too much. Slowly, but surely, over the past couple years "bites" have been taken out of the time that I can be there to support them, watch over them, etc. That makes me all the more worried when I can't be there, and thus, I get all the more upset when people don't want me around them. These guys have my unwavering devotion and nothing will ever change that.

    I'm not really sure what else to say at this moment. I hope that is enough for you to think about for now. You free to share this as you see fit as long as you share it in it's entirety - I will probably post this up on Xanga and also on Facebook as a note. Thank You and...

    With love from a brother,


    James

     
    Sarah Karnowski
    March 4 at 4:02pm
    well thank you 4 sharing that. i really hate being the middle person i m just dealing with everyone s say with this i hate being on sides so from now i m staying neutral
    Sent via Facebook Mobile

    ----

    Here are two conversations I had with brothers from seperate parts of the nation (one in LA/Bay Area, the other in NY; one younger, the other older; respectively) regarding my Facebook status:

    This first one is with a YOUNGER brother from Bay Area/LA (Cali) (I am, once again #664560197):

    12:38:41 AM) 1429938296 hey your joking about you status right
    (12:38:45 AM) 664560197 no
    (12:38:55 AM) 1429938296 what did you do
    (12:39:45 AM) 664560197 nothing
    (12:39:56 AM) 1429938296 well there is a reason
    (12:40:01 AM) 1429938296 they did'nt tell you
    (12:40:10 AM) 664560197 welcome to my life in KS
    (12:40:22 AM) 664560197 me and Nathan Walsh just discussed all this
    (12:40:32 AM) 664560197 we came to a possible conclusion
    (12:40:36 AM) 1429938296 im sure this is'nt the first
    (12:40:41 AM) 1429938296 time you discussed it
    (12:40:56 AM) 664560197 ^_^ yur very smart
    (12:41:02 AM) 664560197 our conlusion is
    (12:42:00 AM) 664560197 that however admirable my devotion to the younger brothers is, and no matter how right I may be - the fact that I have few friends my age in KS and spend most of my time with the yougner guys causes the parents in KS to become suspicious
    (12:42:21 AM) 664560197 its unfounded suspicion of course
    (12:42:34 AM) 1429938296 suspicion against what
    (12:42:56 AM) 664560197 suspicion that I might do something to a younger brother
    (12:43:15 AM) 1429938296 your parents think that
    (12:43:21 AM) 664560197 my parents?
    (12:43:26 AM) 664560197 im first generation Justin
    (12:43:33 AM) 1429938296 oh
    (12:43:34 AM) 1429938296 man
    (12:43:39 AM) 1429938296 i did'nt know
    (12:43:42 AM) 664560197 its alrite
    (12:43:43 AM) 1429938296 now i see
    (12:43:48 AM) 664560197 evidently a lot of ppl dont know
    (12:43:55 AM) 1429938296 well you just fit in
    (12:43:57 AM) 664560197 guess i seem so much like one of you 2nd gen
    (12:44:01 AM) 664560197 yeah
    (12:44:09 AM) 664560197 thanx
    (12:44:13 AM) 1429938296 in light of that, how did you join
    (12:44:18 AM) 1429938296 if you dont mind
    (12:44:33 AM) 664560197 not at all - one of you 2nd gen inspired me to come
    (12:44:39 AM) 664560197 and he inspires me to this day
    (12:44:45 AM) 1429938296 Cris saarna
    (12:44:52 AM) 664560197 no - his youngest brother
    (12:44:56 AM) 664560197 Mikito
    (12:44:57 AM) 1429938296 INSUNG
    (12:44:59 AM) 1429938296 oh
    (12:45:00 AM) 1429938296 dang
    (12:45:08 AM) 664560197 you prbly notice I mention him in my status a lot
    (12:45:19 AM) 1429938296 o that guy
    (12:45:22 AM) 664560197 yeah
    (12:46:02 AM) 1429938296 do you ever get mad at all the lectures about saying how"great" second gen
    (12:46:11 AM) 1429938296 cause i can imagine
    (12:46:16 AM) 664560197 no - i love you guys
    (12:46:23 AM) 664560197 its the first gen that get on my nerves sometimes
    (12:46:25 AM) 664560197 ^_^
    (12:47:05 AM) 664560197 some of em are too set in old ways - they dont like change
    (12:47:11 AM) 1429938296 yea
    (12:47:15 AM) 1429938296 old school church
    (12:47:20 AM) 1429938296 idemnity
    (12:47:25 AM) 1429938296 seld sacrifice
    (12:47:29 AM) 1429938296 self
    (12:47:32 AM) 1429938296 thats good
    (12:47:35 AM) 1429938296 just kinda
    (12:47:40 AM) 664560197 thats y In Jin Nim is doing what she doing
    (12:47:40 AM) 1429938296 you know
    (12:47:55 AM) 664560197 theres a new path we gotta take
    (12:48:05 AM) 664560197 and she knows its second gen that r gonna do it
    (12:48:14 AM) 664560197 not first gen - thats y they changing the leadership
    (12:48:27 AM) 1429938296 I see alot of stuff thats wrong about the church
    (12:48:38 AM) 1429938296 so like a change is good
    (12:48:44 AM) 664560197 i just hope you second gen can do it
    (12:48:46 AM) 664560197 8-)
    (12:49:18 AM) 1429938296 so your parents dont like you, or what
    (12:49:23 AM) 1429938296 like my parents parents
    (12:49:34 AM) 664560197 well my family is a big mess
    (12:49:38 AM) 664560197 i try and stay out of it
    (12:49:47 AM) 664560197 and they really dont like me no, im kinda the oddball
    (12:49:58 AM) 664560197 you know, never had a gf, dont drink, smoke, etc
    (12:50:05 AM) 664560197 thats odd to them
    (12:50:24 AM) 664560197 i live at my mothers house - but only cuz i have to
    (12:50:36 AM) 664560197 and we dont interact more than we absolutely have to
    (12:50:52 AM) 1429938296 that stink
    (12:51:01 AM) 664560197 well - its the least of my troubles
    (12:51:03 AM) 1429938296 so how did you come to like the church
    (12:51:11 AM) 1429938296 like believe and stuff
    (12:51:32 AM) 664560197 well - obviously theres sumthin about the families for the most part thats better than your average family
    (12:52:09 AM) 664560197 i dont believe everything, but none of us do of course
    (12:52:35 AM) 664560197 but being able to help with the youth since I joined has really helped me develop my relationship with God
    (12:52:44 AM) 664560197 i think thats a key there
    (12:52:57 AM) 1429938296 yea
    (12:52:59 AM) 1429938296 i know
    (12:53:21 AM) 1429938296 did you ever had problems with the church
    (12:53:31 AM) 1429938296 cause I know I do and ive been in it all my life
    (12:53:42 AM) 664560197 what kind of problems?
    (12:53:50 AM) 1429938296 i dont know
    (12:54:01 AM) 1429938296 like why theres so much emphasis on money
    (12:54:04 AM) 1429938296 money money
    (12:54:08 AM) 664560197 oh - yeah
    (12:54:11 AM) 664560197 i understand now
    (12:54:15 AM) 664560197 thats one
    (12:54:23 AM) 664560197 the other is theres too much preaching and not enough practicing
    (12:54:28 AM) 1429938296 money does'nt run a religion, faith does
    (12:54:35 AM) 664560197 amen
    (12:54:42 AM) 1429938296 that one too
    (12:54:45 AM) 1429938296 i like amen
    (12:55:04 AM) 664560197 yeah - i never did pick up this "Aju" stuff
    (12:55:25 AM) 664560197 it makes yo uwant to say gesundheit
    (12:55:33 AM) 1429938296 i know
    (12:55:54 AM) 1429938296 what other problems do you have
    (12:56:27 AM) 664560197 well - im not sure what else......
    (12:56:40 AM) 664560197 really if hte 1st gen would let go and let the 2nd gen run things
    (12:56:56 AM) 664560197 and stop trying to be so hardlined about stuff things would be a lot smoother
    (12:57:09 AM) 664560197 i respect their expreience
    (12:57:20 AM) 1429938296 like what is hardlined
    (12:57:49 AM) 664560197 all this restoration course stuff - they have like this idea about how its supposed to be done
    (12:57:57 AM) 664560197 and the base this idea odd what they had to go through
    (12:58:00 AM) 664560197 off*
    (12:58:05 AM) 664560197 but its a new era
    (12:58:08 AM) 664560197 thigns are different
    (12:58:14 AM) 664560197 the course is different
    (12:58:31 AM) 664560197 and as i have obviously been mistaken as 2nd gen numerous times
    (12:58:41 AM) 1429938296 cause your young
    (12:58:42 AM) 664560197 i evidently have a very interesting course of my own
    (12:59:01 AM) 664560197 i get a lot of "your doing it wrong" from 1st gen here in KS
    (12:59:17 AM) 664560197 only in KS do i get hat though
    (12:59:19 AM) 664560197 that*
    (12:59:28 AM) 1429938296 yea it seems harsh over there
    (12:59:28 AM) 664560197 NY, LA, DC, it wasnt like that
    (12:59:39 AM) 1429938296 Bay area is molding good
    (12:59:45 AM) 1429938296 but thats probably cause it cali
    (12:59:56 AM) 1429938296 cali is preaty chill
    (12:59:59 AM) 664560197 yeah - plus u guys got powehoues Jinil over there
    (1:00:04 AM) 664560197 powerhouse*
    (1:00:05 AM) 1429938296 yea
    (1:00:11 AM) 1429938296 he is ridiculous
    (1:00:21 AM) 1429938296 he's really stepping up
    (1:00:34 AM) 664560197 awesome
    (1:00:41 AM) 664560197 I saw Donny back in January
    (1:00:48 AM) 664560197 that was awesome
    (1:00:50 AM) 1429938296 good guy
    (1:01:02 AM) 1429938296 hey i got a question
    (1:01:06 AM) 664560197 yep?
    (1:01:43 AM) 1429938296 im always tired of hearing all about how 2nd gen linage is so pure and perfect, and how im better than everyone else, even though they dont say that they mean that
    (1:01:55 AM) 1429938296 but your first gen
    (1:02:10 AM) 1429938296 so does that make you inferior to me, cause of you lineage
    (1:02:11 AM) 1429938296 no
    (1:02:24 AM) 1429938296 no
    (1:02:23 AM) 1429938296 does that make all the world inferior
    (1:02:38 AM) 1429938296 because how do you change the world when you see people inferior
    (1:02:46 AM) 1429938296 what do you think about that
    (1:02:52 AM) 664560197 i agree
    (1:02:57 AM) 664560197 i think the key of it all is
    (1:03:06 AM) 664560197 how is our personal relationship with God?
    (1:03:16 AM) 664560197 not in reagrds to any church
    (1:03:20 AM) 664560197 religion, book, etc.
    (1:03:42 AM) 664560197 if we live for the ake of others and focus on building our relationship with God
    (1:03:50 AM) 1429938296 right there
    (1:03:52 AM) 1429938296 LFSo
    (1:03:53 AM) 664560197 there is no inferior or superior, no better or worse
    (1:03:59 AM) 1429938296 BAM lfso
    (1:04:07 AM) 1429938296 I totally agree
    (1:04:18 AM) 1429938296 I dont get this whole linage thing
    (1:04:25 AM) 1429938296 i think its acualy hurting
    (1:04:31 AM) 1429938296 Relationship with God
    (1:04:38 AM) 1429938296 and LFSO is were it coutns in my book
    (1:04:45 AM) 664560197 i think it can at times - yeah
    (1:04:50 AM) 664560197 ppl get distracted
    (1:05:13 AM) 664560197 by what this preacher says, or what this book says, or what this church leader says, etc.
    (1:05:22 AM) 664560197 and they lose focus
    (1:05:22 AM) 1429938296 yea
    (1:05:29 AM) 1429938296 its not what you believe
    (1:05:31 AM) 1429938296 in your head
    (1:05:38 AM) 1429938296 that gets you to heaven
    (1:05:42 AM) 1429938296 its what you do
    (1:06:30 AM) 664560197 its what you believe in your heart - or how you believe might be a better way to say it
    (1:06:34 AM) 664560197 and how you act upon it
    (1:06:40 AM) 664560197 for the benefit of others first
    (1:06:51 AM) 664560197 and then your benefit comes back to you
    (1:06:59 AM) 664560197 it says in the Bible
    (1:07:09 AM) 664560197 that those who provide for others will be provided for
    (1:07:25 AM) 664560197 if we live for others - we will be lived for
    (1:07:37 AM) 664560197 if we put others first - we will be first to others
    (1:07:48 AM) 664560197 i could go on all night like this
    (1:07:50 AM) 664560197 lol
    (1:07:55 AM) 1429938296 yea
    (1:08:00 AM) 1429938296 what were you raised as
    (1:08:03 AM) 1429938296 christian
    (1:08:08 AM) 664560197 Baptist
    (1:08:17 AM) 1429938296 cool
    (1:08:23 AM) 1429938296 i love the black baptisp gospel
    (1:08:26 AM) 1429938296 MHH
    (1:08:29 AM) 664560197 hehe
    (1:08:32 AM) 1429938296 it jsut gets you blood pumping
    (1:08:43 AM) 1429938296 i sure theres not a black man in kansas though
    (1:08:53 AM) 664560197 yeah - my baptist church was a bit more traditional
    (1:09:04 AM) 664560197 and actuallly we have a very big african-american population
    (1:09:10 AM) 664560197 hispanic too
    (1:09:30 AM) 1429938296 realy
    (1:09:34 AM) 664560197 yeah
    (1:09:34 AM) 1429938296 thats interesting
    (1:09:42 AM) 1429938296 over here in cali we got everything
    (1:09:43 AM) 664560197 now if you go up north towards Iowa
    (1:09:51 AM) 664560197 theres prbly mostly white peeps
    (1:09:56 AM) 664560197 same wit way out west in KS
    (1:10:00 AM) 664560197 but here in KC
    (1:10:04 AM) 664560197 its pretty mixed up
    (1:10:07 AM) 664560197 even asians
    (1:10:40 AM) 1429938296 cool
    (1:11:00 AM) 1429938296 nice talking
    (1:11:24 AM) 664560197 absolutely - it brings me a lot of joy to talk to one of my younger brothers
    (1:11:25 AM) 664560197 ^_^
    (1:11:43 AM) 1429938296 anytime
    (1:11:54 AM) 1429938296 have a good time in kansas
    (1:12:03 AM) 1429938296 im gonna go to sleep soon
    (1:12:06 AM) 664560197 yeah - u watch out for yourself
    (1:12:10 AM) 664560197 kk - gnite bro
    (1:12:26 AM) 1429938296 night

    This second one is with an OLDER brother from NY (I am, once again, 664560197):

    (11:56:05 PM) 553667360 why were you banned from everything?...
    (11:56:20 PM) 553667360 it seems like you invest so much
    (11:56:43 PM) 664560197 i don't know - i think that's the issue - parents here in KS don't take it the same as they do eslewhere
    (11:57:07 PM) 664560197 my devotion comes across as something negative to them
    (11:57:09 PM) 664560197 idk
    (11:57:43 PM) 664560197 i do these sites, i take care of the church property, i do DISHES!, i've practically given my life for these people here
    (11:57:49 PM) 664560197 and this is what I get out of it
    (11:58:12 PM) 553667360 i don't understand why they'd ban you...
    (11:58:24 PM) 553667360 isn't it a pretty small/tight community there?
    (11:58:43 PM) 664560197 thats prbly part of the problem - i wasnt born into the church
    (11:58:48 PM) 664560197 so im treated differently
    (11:58:58 PM) 664560197 thats prbly part of the problem - i wasnt born into the church
    (11:59:11 PM) 664560197 so im treated differently
    (11:59:12 PM) 553667360 you're a jacob's child?
    (11:59:15 PM) 664560197 no
    (11:59:18 PM) 664560197 im first gen
    (11:59:25 PM) 553667360 really?
    (11:59:27 PM) 553667360 that's awesome
    (11:59:36 PM) 664560197 your not the first person to say that - thanx
    (11:59:40 PM) 664560197 so im treated differently
    (11:59:43 PM) 664560197 oops
    (12:00:06 AM) 664560197 you wouldnt believe how close to leaving the church I am
    (12:00:18 AM) 664560197 but its the youth that keep me coming back
    (12:00:27 AM) 664560197 i cant leave em hanging
    (12:00:32 AM) 553667360 yeah man
    (12:00:49 AM) 553667360 don't leave
    (12:00:52 AM) 553667360 they need you
    (12:01:26 AM) 553667360 i'm sure the authority there will come around eventually
    (12:01:32 AM) 664560197 4 years bro
    (12:01:38 AM) 664560197 since I joined the church
    (12:01:43 AM) 664560197 it's been like this
    (12:01:55 AM) 664560197 cept for the banning
    (12:01:58 AM) 664560197 that's recent
    (12:02:20 AM) 553667360 who's your spiritual parent?
    (12:02:31 AM) 664560197 ummm - idk
    (12:02:40 AM) 553667360 i mean
    (12:02:44 AM) 553667360 who told you about the church?
    (12:02:54 AM) 664560197 it was one of the second gen
    (12:02:57 AM) 664560197 that invited me
    (12:03:00 AM) 553667360 yeah who
    (12:03:21 AM) 664560197 oh, Jordan Anglin from Seattle - he used to live in KS
    (12:03:26 AM) 664560197 but I didnt start coming
    (12:03:28 AM) 664560197 then
    (12:03:48 AM) 664560197 i didnt start to come actually until Mikito came back from Myanmar
    (12:03:57 AM) 664560197 (that's the pastor's yougnest son)
    (12:04:13 AM) 664560197 if anything he's prbly more reason I started coming
    (12:04:45 AM) 664560197 so which one would it be? from your perspective.
    (12:05:13 AM) 553667360 well did mikito try to get you to join?
    (12:06:10 AM) 664560197 id hafta say yes
    (12:06:21 AM) 664560197 although a specific event doesnt come to my mind right now
    (12:06:58 AM) 553667360 i guess mikito would be then
    (12:07:11 AM) 553667360 how old is he?
    (12:07:24 AM) 664560197 14
    (12:07:54 AM) 664560197 Jordan is 15 - these are the people that wanted me to come, asked me to come - it was never the parents
    (12:08:22 AM) 553667360 did they ban you cause they think you're getting too close to the younger brothers?
    (12:08:42 AM) 664560197 thats been an assumption for a long time bro
    (12:08:55 AM) 553667360 that's bullshit man...
    (12:08:59 AM) 553667360 sorry for the language but it is
    (12:09:06 AM) 664560197 yeah - i know
    (12:09:27 AM) 664560197 ive always done real well with the brothers anywhere i go
    (12:09:32 AM) 664560197 i mean u saw me in NY
    (12:09:59 AM) 553667360 yeah
    (12:10:01 AM) 664560197 I feel thats one of God's gifts to me
    (12:11:05 AM) 553667360 was there any one event that stuck out to the parents that made them ban you?
    (12:11:35 AM) 664560197 well I guess I oughta give you a little history lesson
    (12:11:55 AM) 664560197 i'll make it quick
    (12:11:59 AM) 553667360 hit me
    (12:12:39 AM) 664560197 since I joined the church, me and Mikito were really close - he never got treated too well by his older brothers (not badly, but not good enough I feel)
    (12:12:57 AM) 664560197 anyhow, so I kinda gave him a little extra attention, helped him with stuff, things like that
    (12:13:17 AM) 664560197 we'd sit and watch TV or play video games, listen to music, play sports
    (12:13:49 AM) 664560197 we spent a lot of time together - if I wasn't working or doing anything else, you'd find me with him
    (12:14:09 AM) 664560197 and people knew we had a special bond (best buddies if you will)
    (12:14:16 AM) 664560197 no problems
    (12:14:31 AM) 553667360 yeah
    (12:14:36 AM) 664560197 then his older bro started feeling jealous - thought I was stealing his younger brother
    (12:14:51 AM) 664560197 got his dad in on it - kinda hyped things up a bit
    (12:15:11 AM) 664560197 idk what he told him, but I got called on it
    (12:15:24 AM) 553667360 i see...
    (12:15:35 AM) 664560197 got yelled at, was told I "had a problem" and needed to see someone about it - "get counseling"
    (12:15:35 AM) 553667360 man that sucks...
    (12:15:47 AM) 664560197 sine then things have been up and down
    (12:16:22 AM) 664560197 me and Mikito are still real close - we just don't express it like we used to
    (12:16:32 AM) 664560197 nothing different - nothing odd
    (12:16:44 AM) 664560197 I mean we've survived all this
    (12:16:51 AM) 664560197 so - back to your question....
    (12:17:06 AM) 664560197 the year before last - 2007
    (12:17:31 AM) 664560197 near the end of the year - one of the parents had a talk with him during church one day
    (12:17:43 AM) 664560197 don't know what they told him - but it wasn't his mom or dad - some other parent
    (12:18:03 AM) 664560197 and that night he told me he didn't want to have anything to do with me
    (12:18:26 AM) 664560197 well of course - when your close to someone and they say that, it hurts
    (12:18:36 AM) 553667360 yeah dude
    (12:18:40 AM) 664560197 i knew it wasn't him saying it
    (12:18:47 AM) 664560197 but still it jsut blew me up
    (12:19:03 AM) 664560197 and i nearly took my life that night - or at least I was thinking about "disappearing"
    (12:19:26 AM) 553667360 shit
    (12:19:31 AM) 664560197 I didn't do it - I couldn't stand to leave him with a burden like that - no matter what the parents thought
    (12:19:41 AM) 664560197 so I stayed
    (12:19:51 AM) 664560197 stopped going to chruch for a couple weeks
    (12:20:06 AM) 664560197 until him and the other younger brothers started calling me and asking me where I was
    (12:20:21 AM) 664560197 and I came back - started going again - it was for them
    (12:20:39 AM) 664560197 since then the church asked me to go to counseling - so I did a year of that
    (12:20:50 AM) 553667360 seriously?
    (12:20:54 AM) 664560197 didn't really change anything - made em a bit more comfortable
    (12:20:56 AM) 664560197 thats about it
    (12:21:06 AM) 664560197 i told em id never lose my devotion to the brothers
    (12:21:20 AM) 664560197 and i never will - counseling or no
    (12:22:07 AM) 664560197 so thats kinda the jist of it - Mikito is both the reason I came to church, the reason I'm alive today, and most of the reason I still attend
    (12:22:16 AM) 664560197 he's a friggin awesome brother
    (12:22:20 AM) 664560197 and he keeps me in line
    (12:22:23 AM) 553667360 haha i see
    (12:22:31 AM) 664560197 both phyiscal self and spiritual
    (12:22:55 AM) 553667360 physically in that you keep yourself alive?
    (12:23:24 AM) 664560197 that - and any physical struggles I might have - he gives me the inspiration to break through
    (12:23:39 AM) 553667360 i see
    (12:23:46 AM) 664560197 sometimes my devotion to him bothers him a bit
    (12:23:49 AM) 664560197 but he's honest with me
    (12:23:58 AM) 664560197 and calls me on it
    (12:24:03 AM) 664560197 i make the change and we kewl
    (12:24:36 AM) 553667360 do you have many friends closer to your age?
    (12:24:45 AM) 664560197 not really here in KS
    (12:24:57 AM) 664560197 the older bros and sis' - mayb 6 of em
    (12:25:05 AM) 664560197 college people - we just dont click on much
    (12:25:15 AM) 664560197 most of my friends my age are elsewhere
    (12:25:20 AM) 664560197 NY, Seattle, LA
    (12:25:33 AM) 664560197 but I don't have a friend my age that is real close
    (12:25:40 AM) 553667360 i see
    (12:25:52 AM) 553667360 that's prolly part of the problem
    (12:25:55 AM) 664560197 yeah
    (12:26:08 AM) 553667360 they don't see you interact with people closer to your age so much
    (12:26:11 AM) 553667360 so they just assume things
    (12:26:15 AM) 664560197 yeah
    (12:26:34 AM) 553667360 man that's rough
    (12:26:41 AM) 664560197 on top of that - i dont have a job
    (12:26:49 AM) 664560197 and dont go to skewl
    (12:26:53 AM) 664560197 but thats not my fault
    (12:27:05 AM) 664560197 everything ive tried to line up in that respect has fallen through
    (12:27:09 AM) 664560197 almost as if its meant to be
    (12:27:12 AM) 664560197 at least for now
    (12:29:11 AM) 553667360 haha maybe you should get blessed :P
    (12:29:17 AM) 553667360 that will stop all suspicions
    (12:29:56 AM) 664560197 yeah - thats definitely an idea
    (12:30:07 AM) 664560197 lol
    (12:30:24 AM) 553667360 but your motivation in getting blessed should be to create a true family for God
    (12:30:31 AM) 664560197 oh - of course
    (12:30:36 AM) 553667360 yeah
    (12:30:51 AM) 664560197 im not gonna get blessed jsut to remove assumptions
    (12:30:59 AM) 664560197 im not gonna get blessed jsut to remove assumptions
    (12:31:05 AM) 664560197 psh - thatd b silly
    (12:31:08 AM) 553667360 yeah i didn't think so haha
    (12:31:14 AM) 553667360 indeed it would :P
    (12:32:13 AM) 553667360 aight dude
    (12:32:16 AM) 553667360 i got class tomorrow
    (12:32:30 AM) 664560197 sure - its gotta b like 2:30 for you
    (12:32:31 AM) 553667360 i hope everything starts going better for you
    (12:32:40 AM) 553667360 just one thirty
    (12:32:50 AM) 664560197 ahhh
    (12:32:54 AM) 664560197 anyhow - thanx - i hope so too
    (12:33:05 AM) 553667360 aight dude goodnight
    (12:33:10 AM) 664560197 gnite

     Jeremy Kitchens at 8:36pm March 6
    damn they messed up for even thinkin u'd do sumthin like that... put this in your note: "LEAVE JAMES ALONE!! HE'S A GREAT FRIEND AND I KNOW HE WOULDN'T DO ANYTHING TO BOTHER SOMEONE INTENNTIONALLY SO STOP BUGGING HIM AND LET HIM CARRY ON HIS MISSON!!!"

    I didn't edit any of these chats - I want to be honest to you guys. If I get anymore, I will add them. Thank You.

    Mikito!! I hope your week at school is going well. I look forward to seeing you Friday!! LFAB

    To everyone else: "SHOUT OUT!!"

    Love from a brother,

    James


Tuesday, 24 February 2009

  • Days like this..... I really miss Mikito.....

    .....it's days like this that make me feel that my life is utterly monotonous.....

    I wake up in the morning, or I don't, it really doesn't matter, either way my day's are mostly the same.....

    I eat, I sleep, I take care of the pond at the church center, I sit here online and work on the websites and keep in touch with people....

    I have lots of things I could do, both online and off, but I really don't feel like doing them. I could arrange stuff in the basement around the computer lab, I could finish clearing out my old room, I could finish raking the leaves outside, I could even clean up my room a bit. It's not that I'm lazy, it's just..... I don't know......even on the websites I'm running, I'm starting to run out of ideas, and I'm really wishing my community was more supportive. There are people out there that help out with it, but those people aren't our main focus for these sites. Our core targets are the ones that don't use it.....

    I want to make the websites appealing to various interests, but a lack of communication and interest really hampers my creative abilities..... Mikito, for example, is very strong about not using it as "it was made by a nerd".... now he means that as a joke and with lots of love I'm sure, but, nonetheless doesn't utilize the site....

    I don't want to force people to use the sites, Facebook groups, etc. - not at all!! - but it's hard to tweak something to someones interest when you're not sure what they like about the current and want for the future.....

    ARGH - it's frustrating......

    I give 'em a little bit of a break, because of school, they're busy - I understand that.....

    I think a big thing is, when I can't help, it drives me nuts - I love to help Mikito with his soccer out side during the week, but when I don't get to I go nuts, I would like to hear about his week, and what's happening at school as it would peak my day to hear about someone who is actually doing something everyday..... it cheers me up to hear what's going on in his life....

    He isn't the only one - as always, my prime example.

    Yeah, sure, you could say "James, what happened to going back to school?", "James, get a job!", "James, find something to do!!"......

    all valid responses, but here's my answer.....

    school = it didn't work out, they never replied with an acceptance letter - I'll try next semester, and be a little pushier about it
    job = I've only applied at a bagillion places!!! Even with recommendations from current employees, nothing! so for now - that's how it is
    something else = I try and play some video games now and then, I do some running at night, I have a puzzle I'm working on, I listen to tons of music and watch tons of movies......

    I'm a people person - and you know the people I'm talking about - I likve having 'em around because they're fun, spontaneous, and entertaining to a certain extent; plus, I get to help 'em with whatever they want help with....

    rarely has anything ever brought me more joy than Mikito asking me for help on something - that's just how it is.

    Another thing, I was thinking about this the other night....

    I am extremely grateful for his guidance - he is really good at knocking me on the head (metaphorically speaking - most of the time ^_^) and keeping me inline...you may think it's odd for a 21 year old guy to model himself after a 14 year old brother, but he is such a role model!!

    His sensitivity towards things that can harm the spirit or corrupt the mind have helped me tremendously in setting my own boundaries much closer than I used to, my standards are much higher because of his influence, my behavior is much more dynamic than it used to be, and really, to put it short, because of his being really aligned - I have been able to align myself.

    In many situations I run into, if I struggle making a decision, I just ask myself - "What would Mikito do?", or "What would Mikito think?"

    These are situations where "What would Jesus do?" just doesn't fit - plus "What would Mikito do?" is much easier to figure out....

    It's saved me a lot of trouble....

    This is probably just rambling to some people, but I wouldn't be the person I am today if it weren't for him. All my younger brothers have gotten a taste of this from me and vice-a-versa have taught me incredible things and given me amazing experiences!

    In a way, I want to give more! That's kinda why I feel like I do today; I haven't been able to give so much the past couple weeks. Cold weather makes it hard for Mikito to get outside for soccer, and makes it hard for me to run at night, and a busy schedule means he is pretty tired sometimes when I see him, and he tends to take it out on me a bit. Not complaining, I want to be the support I can be for him - whatever it is. I want to be the support I can be for all of you guys.

    I've been told I'm too honest, and that I shouldn't talk like this in the open where you Youth can read it, but then I had a conversation with Miki from LA, and she really felt that me talking open, from the heart, was much more inspiring and mutually beneficial than me putting up a front and acting tough just because I am an older brother. I feel the same way, our experiences, emotions, etc. ought to be shared, in a respectable manner of course (as I do here), so that they know what's going on in our lives. You would be amazed at what the Youth can pick up from a blog like this, what they can learn, and what they can turn around and teach us, what they can help us with!!!! So, once again, I speak to you from my heart as I too struggle through life.

    To sum it up, and to explain my title - me and Mikito used to be best buddies - we spent a lot of time together, playing games, sports, cards, watching TV, and whatever - that's what I miss from him - to be more general, I wish I had a close brother here in Kansas (I've said it before, but I'm repeating it).....

    Anywho, I wish you guys all the best!!

    Mikito, I love you broman, I hope your week at school is going great; keep up the good grades, I'm cheering for you!! and since your sleeping right now, "Goodnight!"...sleep well brother.

    --James


Wednesday, 31 December 2008

  • Eleventh Hour Insight

    What to say about the year passing us by....

    What to say....

    Well, since God's Day last year I have returned from the brink of disaster.....

    At this time last year - things were pretty rough, more so than they are now - I had just gone through the toughest, and probably most painful period in my lifetime that brought me mere thoughts away from suicide...

    I have many people to thank for that....but I won't name them here - they know who they are....

    My resolutions for this year were to love unconditionally and to be there for my brothers no matter what among a few others - I have the list around here still, I usually keep it on my desk - but it is probably in a box still since I haven't completely unpacked.....

    Either way, I believe that I fulfilled most, if not all of my resolutions, to the best of my abilities and have to admit this has been one of the better years of my life....

    There is still much progress to be made, both on my part and others, and I have to make the choice to approach it with the right attitude. You can not change other people by trying to change them - other people change when you change yourself.

    My time on NLTP brought me a new understanding of my life, but it isn't the first time I've been "hit upside the head" so-to-speak. Last year, when my relationship with Mikito seemed to have completely fallen through, I went to the edge and back. I realized at that point that I it wasn't just what mattered to him (or other people), but I also had to make choices for myself as well. Yes he still has priority (after which, do all my brothers and sisters), but I must make my decisions, and do the things I do, thinking about myself as well. Even today, I don't always do that - I try and provide the most I feel necessary for myself and the rest is for you guys.

    To tell you the truth....I'm trying to type this as part of my New Year's reflection - but I just don't know what to say..... I really think I summed it up in my last post.....

    I want to be inspired to live for God and offer the gifts that he gave me up to him through the kids, I want to inspire our Youth to live for God, and I hope that in some way something God's does for them or says to them through me will make a positive impact on them. I hope that someday they suddenly come to a realization and say "Hey!", this situation I just went through or this part of my life I am dealing with or whatever was a much more educational and less stressful or challenging situation because I remember someone teaching me "this" when I was a kid. I don't care if they remember me or not, I just want to completely offer that. I feel that that's what God wants to do through me, is be there for the kids that need someone, and to be that "older brother", "confidant", "friend", or whatever that they can turn to in their time of need. He has inspired so many people through me and has given me incredible experiences because of it.....

    I really don't know what to say......I have a hard time putting this in words......

    This is a first, I struggle to speak my heart on my Xanga.....

    Thank You for all of those people who have been there for me through thick and thin - it really means a lot to me.

    I just want to repeat this from my last post - as this has great meaning for me, and I hope others as well...

    We all need to find out what we're supposed to get out of our relationships, and the reason why we met in the first place. Finding that out really helps us understand our life much better.

    Mikito, I love you,.Thanx for an awesome year and for sticking by me - we've been through a lot and come out mostly unscathed. You mean the world to me bro' and I always be here for you! Keep up the good work for God!! Soccer, school, trumpet, church...I'm very proud of you and your accomplishments!!!

    Insung, Jordan, Donny, Chris, you guys are awesome!!! ^_^ CJ, John-Michael, Nikita, HOMIE D!!! - I miss you guys and look forward to seeing you again soon. NY peeps, I still think of you guys...give me a call, I would love to to talk to you!!

    NLTP - you guys have a blast!! Hope fundraising is still fun without me there!!! ^_^

    I want to wish you all a Happy New Year!!! and Happy God's Day!!! I love all you brothers and sisters out there, and I am here for you anyday, anytime!!


    -James

jcpt928

  • Visit jcpt928's Xanga Site
    • Name: James
    • Country: United States
    • State: Kansas
    • Metro: Kansas City
    • Birthday: 9/11/1987
    • Gender: Male
    • Member Since: 4/23/2005

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