I'm going to be honest with you. I could quite possibly be homicidal and suicidal. Things have gone completely to craps in the past few weeks, and I have a lot of pain and anger pent up because of it. BUT, I'm NOT homicidal or suicidal, and I will do what I always do and channel my pain and suffering into love towards my brothers and sisters. I may have to store it up for a while, but I will not give up on them, no matter what; to the end of the world, I will go, and then further.
This may come as a complete surprise to some of you; so, let me explain. I am no longer in contact with the Kansas church or the host family; and for those of you familiar with my situation, I haven't seen (and by seen, I mean talked to or spent time with) Mikito for nearly 5 weeks. None of this is by my choice, and it isn't right; but, this is how it is. My heart is pretty torn and tattered right now, my mind is dulled and unmotivated, I haven't been able to get any amount of rest, I can hardly eat, and my body aches. It's pretty unbearable. Part of me just wishes I could roll over and fall asleep and wake up and find this all to be a really bad dream or not wake up at all. Once again, I'm not suicidal, just dealing with so much stuff that I really don't want to deal with and missing people so much it's tearing me up.
I want to find a resolution to this problem that is beneficial to both parties. Parents here in Kansas consider me a threat to the kids and feel that I may do something inappropriate with them; I have even been labeled as something unmentionable. It hurts, a lot; it's understandable, but unfounded and untrue. These kids mean the world to me and I'd be an idiot to cause them to fear me or hate me of my own accord. Sure, there are ancestral struggles that I must deal with; some of you know more about those than others, and I am likely paying some sort of indemnity. But this just sucks beyond words.
I wonder how it can be taught that we must "graft ourselves on to the True Lineage" but yet one can be rejected by those who teach it and essentially "ripped from the True lineage"; or at least the support system thereof. I lay no blame here, but just want to point out a principled basis. The "Ideal", in In Jin Nim's explanation is "I deal with it"; not "I send it away". I understand that parents feel the need to protect their children, but there is a difference between "protecting" them and being "paranoid". I have expressed for a very long time how much I love my brothers and how it's just not possible for me to do anything to them. PERIOD
I don't know how else to explain it or express it - I wish there was a way I could say it where those who are worried would just realize "Hey, I understand now. There is nothing to worry about." - but it's not likely to happen. Sorry, for droning on - life sucks right now.
I hope all of you kids are doing ok out there. If you need something, I'm still here to help - don't worry about "putting more on my plate" - that's not an issue.
Mikito, I will continue to mention you in my posts; not to bother you, but because I still owe so much to you. I hope all is going well and I apologize for not being able to help you out as usual.
--James
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